Stuck in a game of Tug-A-War?

Ever feel like your sense of reason and your emotions are in a constant tug-a-war? When betrayal happens in a primary relationship, the person who caused the pain is often the most sought after for comfort. This isn't a sign of weakness—it’s emotional survival. Dive into the "Push-Pull" cycle of betrayal trauma and discover why the

sanctuary and the storm can sometimes be the exact same person.

The Push and the Pull: An Emotional Tug-A-War

When a standard trauma occurs—like a home invasion or fire—the instinct is to run away from the threat and toward a place of safety. But when your loved one is the threat, our internal GPS starts spinning in circles. This creates a "Push-Pull" dynamic that can make a person feel like they’re stuck.

1. The Push: The Shield

When the betrayal is fresh or a trigger happens, the nervous system goes into high alert. This is the "Get away" phase.

• The Goal: Protection and safety

• The Vibe: The partner is seen as the enemy. Every lie, every inconsistency, and every tiny mistake is under a microscope. Pushing them away with anger or silence happens because, at that moment, being close feels like a life-threatening risk.

2. The Pull: The Survival Instinct

Minutes or hours later, the attachment system kicks into the "Help me" phase. Humans are social, created to seek a "secure base" when in pain.

• The Goal: Emotional pain relief.

• The Vibe: The pain of the betrayal becomes so intense that a "safe person" is needed to help calm the nervous system. Ironically, the person who caused the pain is the one with the deepest "access code" to the heart. The pull happens because being held feels better than being alone with the trauma.

Why This Wound Stings Differently

The "Push-Pull" is the brain’s way of trying to figure out which version of the partner is real: the one who offered love, or the one who caused the wound? Healing isn't about choosing one version; it is about accepting the truth that a person is capable of both—and then deciding to either work towards safety together, or apart.

Here are a few ways to find solid ground when the emotional static feels too loud:

The Emergency Brake: Physical Grounding

When the urge to either lash out or cling prematurely becomes overwhelming, the priority is to exit the "survival brain" and return to the physical environment.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Method

This is a classic for a reason. It forces the brain to switch from internal chaos to external observation. Take a slow breath and identify:

• 5 things that can be seen (a lamp, a crack in the ceiling, a shoe).

• 4 things that can be felt (the texture of a shirt, the coldness of a glass, the weight of a chair).

• 3 things that can be heard (the hum of the fridge, distant traffic, a ticking clock).

• 2 things that can be smelled (coffee, laundry detergent, fresh air).

• 1 thing that can be tasted (even just the lingering flavor of toothpaste).

2. Temperature Shock

If the "Push-Pull" cycle feels like a runaway train, a sudden change in temperature can act like a reset button for the nervous system.

• Splash ice-cold water on the face.

• Hold an ice cube in the palm of the hand until it melts.

• Step outside into the cold air for sixty seconds. The physical intensity of the cold forces the brain to pay attention to the skin, pulling focus away from the emotional spiral.

3. Somatic Anchoring: Finding the Floor

Betrayal trauma often makes a person feel "floaty" or disconnected from their own body -a state known as dissociation. Re-establishing a connection to the earth can help.

• The Weight of the Feet: Sit in a chair and press the soles of the feet firmly into the floor. Notice the exact points where the feet contact the ground. Imagine roots growing from the heels into the earth, providing a sense of stability that the partner currently cannot.

• The 10% Rule: If the body feels tense, try to relax just 10% of it. Soften the jaw, drop the shoulders slightly, or unclench the fists. Trying to relax 100% feels impossible during a betrayal trigger, but 10% is manageable.

4. The "Pause" Strategy: Creating Space

In the middle of a "Push-Pull" moment, there is often a frantic energy—a feeling that something must be said or done right now.

• The 20-Minute Rule: When the urge to "Push" (accuse or run) or "Pull" (beg for reassurance) hits its peak, commit to waiting 20 minutes before acting. Go for a walk, pray, or meditate on what you know to be true and good.

• The "Observer" Voice: Instead of riding the wave of emotion, try to narrate it objectively. Saying, "My nervous system is feeling a high level of threat," or "My attachment system is seeking safety," creates a small, vital gap between feeling and reaction.

Why Grounding Matters

Grounding doesn't mean the betrayal is being ignored. It simply means the survivor is taking back the remote control of their own nervous system. By stepping out of the cycle, even for a few minutes, the "Push" and the "Pull" lose some of their power, allowing for a decision based on clarity rather than sheer survival.

Summary: The Push/Pull Paradox

• The Conflict: Betrayal trauma occurs when a primary source of safety becomes a source of threat. This creates a "glitch" where the brain simultaneously wants to flee for safety yet also cling for comfort.

• The Push-Pull Cycle: This dynamic is a natural survival mechanism. The Push is driven by the need for self-protection (viewing the partner as the enemy), while the Pull is driven by the attachment system (viewing the partner as the one who can best provide regulation).

• The Power of Grounding: The push-pull cycle happens in the nervous system.  Physical and somatic grounding techniques—like temperature changes or sensory observation—can help in stepping out of survival mode and regaining clarity. Training our minds to take a step back and recognize automatic trauma responses can bring clarity and renewed focus.

The Path Forward: Recovery involves recognizing that these reactions are not signs of weakness or "craziness," but are instead attempts by the brain to survive a complicated attachment wound. Healing isn't just about moving past a hurt; it’s about navigating the confusion of a loved one being both the "wounder" and the "healer."  As the betrayed partner experiences more of what is truly safe, clarity will guide more of the emotional responses, resulting in less tug-a war, and more forward movement towards healing.